My Loved Ones Are Merry On Christmas

Christmas is the time of the year where families gather around to celebrate, catch up, exchange gifts and have fun, not to mention the unlimited laughter and food. Unfortunately I’m not with them—5 years in a row!

Living in a different country makes it more difficult to make my family happy especially when video calls are blocked. With the help of my cousin who is also living here but in a different state, I decided to surprise them and give them small gifts.

My cousin went home to the Philippines to celebrate Christmas with her family and my gifts are with her. Fast forward on Christmas eve. I was really nervous and kept on asking my cousins and relatives if they started the party already. Then my brother sent me a greeting message. I was typing my reply when he sent me another one saying thank you. I got excited and called them, my brother was literally in a high pitched tone and kept on saying thank you as he was really not expecting it, he even asked me where did I get my money from hahaha! Then I heard my mom crying and saying Thanks as well, she was worried and kept on telling me to buy things and think of myself as well.

Here’s the video of my surprise to them ( It’s in my language tho, I know some of you won’t understand it but you can clearly see their reactions, and just a note, my brother’s foot was kinda swollen and injured from playing volleyball )

My brother was really annoyed when he opened the first gift tho and he just told that I’m such an insult lol! They didn’t think that I will be having a gift for them on Christmas as my uncle already handed them “what they thought are the only things I bought for them”.

I can’t stop watching it ’til now. My heart melts seeing their smiles and reaction. I may be far and not with them but their happiness is more than enough for me to keep going and fight the battle of life.

I know my dad is proud of me and I know, he is guiding me that’s why my life is much easier than before. I just wish I can see him smile, hug him so tight, kiss him on the cheek and greet him one last time. I just wish to be with you dad!

Christmas is all about giving but for me everyday is Christmas day as we should give and put a smile on a person’s face. May it be close to you or a total stranger. It’s also not about what and how expensive things we should give to them. It’s the thought that counts is what they always say! Their happiness and smiles will surely be engraved in our hearts forever. A simple act can really touch a person’s heart.

It may be late but I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and Happy New Year in advance!

Care to share your most successful surprise?

(Potential) Signs Of Being Abused In A Relationship

Have you ever been in a toxic and abusive relationship with someone? Have you tried fixing it or you are just inlove with the idea of being in a relationship and ignored the signs and red flags?

Couples at the beginning are full of love and joy, smile and laughters are endless. Those dates and late hang outs makes your heart flutter. Those hugs and kisses are too hard to end–until you came to know each other too well.

I have been in a toxic relationship before and thankfully not abusive but I can tell that you will not realize it’s toxic unless you are totally out of that relationship. Signs that you are in a toxic relationship (abused POV):

  1. It’s always your fault no matter what he/she did to you (talking about physically and mentally, let’s add emotionally), it’s always your fault. You always feel at fault all the time.
  2. You are mad at him/her when he/she cheated on you or do something bad but fall for him/her even harder when he/she “explained” to you and denied everything.
  3. You put him/her first before anyone else. Before anything else, even if it means loosing your dreams and goals especially your life and career.
  4. You don’t respect yourself anymore and just beg for his/her forgiveness, beg for him/her to not go (top of the list!)
  5. You know the truth but still choose to be blinded by your love ( or is it really love?)
  6. You will seek advice and comfort from your friends but won’t listen and choose to stay with him/her even you know for yourself it’s not healthy anymore. Even if it means losing your friends and family.

How to get away with it? Well it’s not easy, some people are abusive either, emotionally or physically. It’s even harder if it’s both. It may be easy to say this and I know it is hard:

  1. But always trust your guts, don’t wait until it’s too late.
  2. ALWAYS LOVE YOURSELF FIRST.
  3. It’s okay to be afraid, it’s fine if you are afraid of him/her but always remember you have friends and family you can run in to.
  4. It’s hard but you have to help yourself, you have to step up for yourself and for your future.
  5. Don’t be denial and delusional. It’s hard to do this but you have to give it a try. Think of your happy times before you met him/her. You are happy even before he/she came to your life so you could do it also even when he/she isn’t there anymore.
  6. Go out and have some fun, breathe some air and laugh (don’t laugh alone please lol). Don’t sulk in and don’t let depression eat you.
  7. Always remember you are loved by many.

It’s really hard to get out of a toxic and unhealthy relationship, you just have to stay strong for your dreams and future with your family and friends. Be vocal, even if you can see your friends and family getting irritated and annoyed when you open your mouth to talk about him/her, it’s fine. They are not mad at you, they are concerned to the point of saying hurtful words to you just so you wake up from the nightmare you allowed to dream of. It’s okay to give up, sometimes giving up is not a sign of being a coward, sometimes it’s a sign of being strong because you are getting your self out from the situation that may drag you down. Especially when you are fighting to save your relationship yet he/she isn’t.

Giving up your life? Getting tired of it? Nahhh– run to your friends and family, they will give you a lot of reason to move forward.

We are here for you.

I’AM HERE FOR YOU.

Love, Future You!

Dear Past Me,

How are you doing? Are you alright?

I know you are in a hard situation right now but everything will be okay. I believe in you. You are strong, don’t mind those people who only used you, they are temporary yes but don’t let them affect what and who you are forever. Don’t dwell too much in the past please, don’t hurt yourself too much ‘coz those people doesn’t deserve your attention and affection. You’ve done enough. All that matters are your true friends and family. You are one step closer to having a good life. Hang in there, all your sleepless nights and hardship will be paid off.

Me? I’m doing great thanks to you, because of your strength I’m complete and contented. I’m happy where I’am, extra thanks to your experiences and hardwork I have a stable and wonderful job now. I have few friends but they are for keeps, no user friendly in the circle now lol! I also have established and started the business you really like, hoping to expand since it’s a great hit! Yeah, I still work even if there’s business, that’s what you like and now I like it also. Our brother has a good position in a company now, still addicted to volleyball though. Mama is still healthy and kicking! Laughing as loud as she can like before. Regrets? you know it already (read My First Love Left Me) and I don’t regret anything other than that because I have learned so much from it, the decisions and the choices you’ve made and I know you will still be making, taught me how to become a better, stronger and not so vulnerable person. Someday, when you reach me, you’ll be super proud of yourself and stop belittling yourself. Just trust on yourself and HIM.

I know you will be smiling while reading this letter of mine, you really worked your self out so hard and I owe you big time for everything I have now. Hoping you’ll stay stronger and stop thinking of hurting yourself goodness! Oh and by the way I have 2 kids now and 1 on the way! Happily married with the guy you really really dreamed of (he is a catch, nice one past me!) They are so adorable. They are just like you, strong and compassionate. I can’t wait for you to meet them.

Love,

Future You!

It’s not bad to boast and say good things to yourself every now and then, It’s kinda embarrassing but it will be of great help, it’s like tapping your own shoulder while saying “Good Job! You did great!”. It will make you feel better and more motivated so that what your future you can truly come true. Have you thanked your past you already? Or you are still in the process to become the better version of you?

(photo ctto)

I’m Hurt But I’m Worthy!

“Am I not worthy?”

Have you asked yourself this kind of question?If yes, have you found the answer? What made you ask yourself this kind of question? Are you in pain? Are you okay?

I’m always asking myself this kind of question, most especially when I’m scrolling and scanning my timeline. The people who are close to my heart fitfully hurt me, or maybe I’m just so sensitive I tend to overthink and get jealous easily. I don’t know. My birthday has passed by and I hide my birthdate on my profile so no one can know, except for those people who really remember and knows it by heart. I’m getting few messages from my family until my uncle’s wife greeted me by posting it on my timeline then rest who saw it greeted me as well and posted my old pictures with them. There are few who greeted me but I know they are genuine. A month after, it was one of my childhood friend’s birthday, lot’s of people greeted her and I got jealous and sad when I saw some people who I truly love and care for greeted her. Those people didn’t even greeted me the way they greeted her, some didn’t greet me at all! Talk about years (when I say years it means yeeeeaaaaaaarrrrrrs) of friendship. I started doubting my worth to them, I started to distance myself again to them. Shallow isn’t it? Maybe I just expected them to care for me the way I want them to. Same month I had a petty fight with one of my friend because of my T-shirt she misinterpreted my joke and I sarcastically like her post in social media, after that incident I asked my self the same question. I caught my ex-boyfriend cheating on me many times even after being faithful and loyal to him (read Thank You Ex!). Is this only my worth to them? I started to doubt my self. I started to regret things. I started to count the things I’ve done for them.

My heart aches while writing this blog, I feel my heart is being crushed by something I can’t describe. It feels as if it’s going to explode any moment. I’m tired of proving my self to other. I’m tired or proving my worth to others. I’m tired of pretending I’m not hurt when I truly does. I’m just tired.

I’m hurting yes but, I’m thinking of what my friend told me, “Don’t ever doubt your self worth, You’re worth is more than enough, You are worthy.” Yes he is right. I’am worthy. I’m feeling down, feeling tired and emotionally exhausted and it’s normal, but I should also help myself to get out from these emotions I’m feeling now. Keep on thinking that you are worthy. You know your worth. WE know our worth. We just have to breathe and stay positive. It’s okay to let it out once in a while. Looking at the brighter side of the darkest situation you might be and currently facing. And the most important part? Think of your family who loves you unconditionally.

“Your worth is more than what you think of. Don’t think your worth is equivalent to the word JUST, because you are not. You are worthy!”

My First Love Left Me

May 2, 2018…

It was and still the saddest part of my life and most painful thing that happened to me. He waved goodbye instead of hello.

I wasn’t able to see him for 2 years because I’m working abroad, yeah I know, I should have at least go home even once and that’s the biggest mistake I did, regretted it. I imagined him welcoming me with his arms wide open to embrace me, his sweetest smile and laughing chinky eyes instead, I saw him inside his newly closed box bed, eyes are tightly closed and colored lips to hide the paleness of his face. But still the most handsome man I’ve known and loved my entire life!

I learned from him that it’s fine to spend extravagantly on food rather than buying things you will only use for a couple of months, years if you’re lucky (that explains how I become big lol).

When I was a kid, he self taught how to tie my hair, and mind you, pig tails becomes rabbit ears hahaha! There’s this time when I’m sick and having a fever, he will ask me what food do I want to eat, I requested for an instant stir fry noodles he said okay and after a couple of minutes he was walking slowly, carrying one bowl gently. I smiled thinking I will eat what I’m craving for but deym hahah my noodles has water! it’s a noodle soup now and I asked him why does it have water? He just told me that it’s the right way of cooking it so yeah, the manufacturer was wrong hahaha cute, but ofcourse I ate it even if the taste was kinda nasty.

He will just say “You should lose weight” but end up buying bread in the middle of the night for me and my brother, ice cream and street foods. That’s how my father would like me to lose weight hahaha.

Memories keeps on flashing that if I will tell you all the stories, this page won’t be enough. I just love how he loves us. How he put smile to people’s faces, how he throw some corny and cheesy jokes, how kind he was even though he was being taken for granted of some people he love and care, how helpful he was wherein people are taking advantage of it. I love his unconditional love to others most especially to us

After the day he left us, I was thinking to take my own life. Inside the train station I was crying, while walking and while waiting for the pedestrian light to become green. I even think of ways to commit the sin, ‘What if I suddenly jump off of the street while cars are fastly running’, ‘What if I tripped my self to fall down the stairs?’ or ‘What if I just cut my wrist?’. I spent my days, weeks and months thinking bout it. Until I dreamed of him, he sat beside me, just looking at me then caress my cheeks, I held his hand and cried, I can feel his love for me and I woke up. I regretted thinking of taking my life, I realize I still have my mom and brother and that my dad won’t be happy if I’ll do it.

I’m still depressed but, the love from my family is what keeps me going.

My first love, my dad left me..left us but we will surely be together again someday, and I know he is just around the corner, happily looking after us.

How about you? How’s your first love doing?

Simply Thank you

Not all people you meet stays in your life. They come and it’s their choice whether to stay or go. It’s their choice if they want to travel the journey with you. It’s their choice if they are true to you.

I’ve met a lot of people before and thought they are my friends. Well If we share a common interest and have a good time together I already consider you as my friend. But that was a mistake, I should have not get my hopes high, I should have not let my guard down.

I’ve met friends I consider when I went to Armenia ( see The Warmth of Armenia ), there is this one lady whom I became close with. We share our past experiences, our feelings and some of our secrets to each other. We hang out and stroll around the city together, building memories but that was quickly shattered into pieces, she asked for a favor and I obliged—We are friends after all! And so the favors she’s asking keeps on piling up, I’m not asking anything in return tho. But not returning back what you’ve asked for is a different story. She begun ignoring my messages and calls until she just vanished just like a bubble. It’s my fault I trusted her easily. When I was in Oman I also met few people who became my friends and until today, I’ve been very close to this lady we are not talking everyday but when we do, it becomes overrated!

Then there’s your college friends, I have a big group of friends and up to this day only 5 remains in contact. I believe that you can still be friends even if you’re not talking to them for the time being and they are busy with their own lives, but just a simple hello or a simple reply wouldn’t hurt right? (or I’m just a clingy person?) but the memories are still there, good and bad. Everytime I’m looking at our pictures I can’t help myself but to smile and reminisce the good ‘ol days. Our bond in college are pure. And I’m thankful to those who remains to be in my life. We are all still friends in Facebook though, and that is still a good sign!

People says that High School life was the best part of one’s school journey, and it’s kinda true. Your craziness doesn’t have any limits, it molds your life and personality. My classmates are my friends and I’m not joking when I say all of them (maybe I’m their class president so they don’t have a choice?lol) and now it’s down to 2 whom I’m talking with almost everyday.

From where I worked before (see You Deserved It) most of them are still in contact and choose to stay. I’m glad for it. Now, I have made new few friends and I’m confident that they will stay until I’m alive. Why?Because they are my friends! simple as that! I started to create my blog last 3 years ago, but I deleted it and now, they are the reason why I’m starting again. Special thanks to my vlogger friend who is becoming famous now!(hahaha I know you are reading it, you are welcome!) and to this lady who keeps on fighting the demons pestering her, thank you! You guys made my tummy aches from unlimited eating (though they are really trying their best to keep the foods away from me) and cried from laughing loudly until someone tries to shut us up.

Appreciate the people who choose to stay and fight your demons with you. Give them importance not because they have something to offer and give, but because they stick with you without apparent reason. Laugh with them in times of happiness. Cry with them in times of sorrow. Accept them as they are, don’t try to change them as they are not trying to change you. They will say “I told you so” because of your stubbornness and it’s a sign they care. Don’t be lonely if you thought to yourself I only have this much of friends while he / she has a tons of it, it’s fine. It’s not about the quantity, it’s all about the quality.

Thank you friends who became my family, thank you for sticking with my craziness and thank you for not giving up on me! How about you? Have you thanked them for riding with your craziness?